My website disappeared last Friday night. I was doing a routine upgrade of WordPress (my blogging software) and suddenly the system crashed, leaving me with one blank page and a message announcing there had been a ‘fatal error’. I stared at the screen in horror. I tried various routes into the back-end of the website but I could no longer get access. The ‘virtual home’ that I’d spent a year and a half developing, that was packed full of resources, articles, testimonials, photos and videos…. Gone?

I went immediately into a cold sweat, praying that I’d done a recent back-up correctly. I tried my web developer (Adam) by phone, email and Facebook, aware that I probably sounded pretty hysterical in my messages. No response. What if he was on holiday? I found that I was crying – and even as I did so, the Observer part of me simply watched, curious that it felt like I was grieving, like I was experiencing a mortal loss.

I phoned Jason, my business mentor, hoping he might have alternative contact details for Adam. He didn’t, but he was calm and steady and said this to me: “You don’t have enough information to panic.” He was right, of course. I didn’t. I had no idea what had happened and was actually panicking because I didn’t have enough information. In that foggy, adrenalin-fueled state, it simply felt like I was in Worst Case Scenario mode… without me actually thinking through what was so ‘worst case’ about it.

And as quickly as it had emerged, the panic disappeared. I’d realized there was nothing more I could do. The messages had all been placed, all I could do was wait – and at that moment of realization, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. It suddenly seemed like I was on holiday, like the feeling I get when I go away from email for a few days and leave an autoresponder in my place. I couldn’t tweak my website, I couldn’t refer people to it, I couldn’t tweet about it. I no longer had my main virtual home… and it was, in a strange way, like I’d been set free.

It got me curious about quite how much I’ve invested in my online presence generally. To have a similar emotional feeling of loss and grief and panic at a website fail as I would if I’d heard a loved one had a medical problem….? Yep, something to explore there.

I even started to wonder about the opportunities here… What if this meant I got to redesign my website from scratch? There was real joy in the possibility of a fresh start – a new brand, a new look. I also felt a deep sense of respect for techie dudes. I’ve always been in awe of people who have skill sets so different from mine – and here it felt even one step further: like Adam was a doctor, waiting to operate on someone very precious to me, and I just had to trust him.

And ultimately, this experience reminded me that there are other forces at work in this universe. It’s not just me and I’m so not in control. If my website goes off line for 24 hours, or 24 months, then it’s because I’m not meant to have a website right now. I can feel safe within the parameters that reality sets for me. If I genuinely can’t do something, then it’s because I’m not meant to be doing it.

So… a fatal error… failure – as freedom? As an opportunity? As a wake-up call? How about those for some new perspectives.

Oh – and in case you’re wondering, I woke up the next morning and my website was back on line. Adam had fixed it in 9 minutes. I was only mildly disappointed that I didn’t have to start over

The World Needs Your Passion, So…

1) What has recently crashed or failed in your world? What’s just not working out the way you’d like? What are you afraid will come tumbling down?

2) Fully explore the ‘worst case scenario’. Take the situation to its furthest point. What has actually happened or what would actually happen? What would that mean? And what then?

3) We all know examples of people who say redundancy was the best thing that happened to them, or who had to move house for some tragic reason… which then led to them meeting the love of their life. What evidence do you have – from yourself and from others – of when a so-called failure turned out to be a blessing in disguise?

4) Leave a comment below and let’s start a discussion….

Failure As Freedom – Can You Buy It?

What would it be like to see failure as freedom? Or if you can’t quite go there… perhaps as simply feedback, or as a sign you’re human and that weird, crazy stuff sometimes happens in this world of ours?

The Fail Is Not A Four Letter workshop has been very popular over the years, helping people to move from fear and panic around failure… to seeing it as part of the journey or something to be proud of (you’re out of your comfort zone, taking risks, after all).

If it feels like you could do with a new perspective on failure, click here > > (yep, the webpage should be up and running – but you never know!) and if you can make 7th August down in Devon (England), then join us. Find the yellow ‘Buy Now’ button to book your place. NB EarlyBird price until 16th July.

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